How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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