I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I cut my penus on the lid.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
