Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
