i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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