I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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