i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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