....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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