I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Two words: blizzard sex
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
