Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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