Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
