If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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