I just cut my nipple shaving
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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