i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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