the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
