totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize