im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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