I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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