So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
