So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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