the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
