He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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