Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
