i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
