seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
