i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Why did my mother make you get naked?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
