I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
