Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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