I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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