We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
