I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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