My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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