ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
