Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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