If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
