I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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