i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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