My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
