Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
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