Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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