if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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