Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
