i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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