I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
