Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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