she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
