I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
