Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
