I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
