You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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