Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
