So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
